he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
