I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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