hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
