Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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