One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
