We're facebook friends in real life
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
