I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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