put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
