I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
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You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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