So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I want to make a zoo with you.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
