Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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