im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
