the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
