so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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