i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real