I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
