I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
