Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
