shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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