A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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