you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
