I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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