It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
