You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
