And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
