Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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