I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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