He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
