My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
