if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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