On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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