i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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