god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
