I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
