I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
