i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
