Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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