peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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