if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sober January is a disaster.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
