Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
