I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
