This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
