I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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