Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
we're so committed to being not committed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
