I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
