I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
