Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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