why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
