He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
