Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
