Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
