I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
