dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
