doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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