Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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