Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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