turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
