Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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