i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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